Here at 3go1go securities we have developed quiet a lineup over the years. We have drafted right, developed homegrown talent and have also gone the free agent route. We are like the Yankees of Wall Street. Well if the Yankees were a losing organization full,of washed up has beens or never were’s we would be like them. Ok so we’re not the Yankees. Probably more like the Knicks or Jets. So ladies and gentlemen. Introducing your 2017 bucket shop monkeys.
New sales guy. Just spent the last two years as an assistant on the desk. Got experience in opening accounts, submitting T&E reports and most importantly ordered breakfast for the desk every hangover Friday. With this newfound knowledge, he was given numerous accounts that nobody else has had any luck with. But let’s give the kid an A for effort. He’s always on the phone trying to get guys out for beers. Knows exactly when to use words like chief and buddy. This kid has a bucket shop future. Sad thing is he doesn’t know what life was like pre-trace so thinks making 100k a year is killing it.
Bucket shop career guy. This guy has made a living for the past 20 years “eating what he kills”. He has never had a new deal to sell or have a trader use capital on him or his accounts. He blows the T&E budget out of the water every year though because that’s all he’s got to offer. This is a guy who knows how to use the phone because not once in his career has he received an incoming phone call from a buy side account. This guy has at most five more years in the business and is hoping for one more downturn in the market so he can “make hay while the sun shines” one more time before he is outta here.
Next up is angry guy. This is the guy that talks politics all day on the desk and hated Obama and loves Trump. He doesn’t understand why the liberal media elite is trying to overthrow the duly elected President of the United States. But that’s not all he hates. He hates “F’ing trace”, Market Axess, the new sales guy getting all the accounts, worthless traffic cop traders and most of all the empty suits in the glass offices. How dare they cut his commission? This guy is on drudge report all the time and prints out 20 articles a day to hand out to other guys on the desk.
Trace hawk guy. Whenever a trader works his magic and puts a bid or offer through the quarter machine he’s the first guy to say “that offer is stupid. Bonds just traded an eighth lower”. He can’t send that out to his accounts. “It would make us look stupid and lose all credibility”. I got news for this guy. Too late for that buddy. You work here and there isn’t much lower you can go. His next stop is a “minority firm”. Because you know accounts have a mandate to do business with minority firms. HA.
Old lady we can’t fire guy. See you don’t have to be a guy to be a “guy”. We have woman on Wall Street. Not a lot but too many in my opinion. This mama was killing it back at Merrill in the late 80s early 90s. Her motto was “will blow for flow”. But she made most of her money from the class action sexual discrimination lawsuit. She only has accounts that nobody else wanted and the accounts can’t stand her. We can’t fire her because she has a binder full of sexual harassment stories that “made her feel uncomfortable at the time” but she never spoke up. Just banked them till she needs to file the lawsuit. Hate to break the news to you toots but the only person that would sexually harass you is a guy with a seeing eye dog. Retire please. We are sick of hearing how cold it is around here. Maybe wash the fleece once in a while also.
T&E abuser guy. He’s always going out with a “client”. Wheel tapper, Annie Moore’s, Quality Italian. You name it the bartender knows him on a first name basis. He’s really just taking his buddies or his brother to a bar and calling it work related. What’s up with all those week-long trips out to see your LA based accounts? Oh your son is going to UCLA and you are gonna stay an extra few days to spend some time with him. Makes sense. Let work pay for your vacations. Wait till he finds out we are taking all his west coast based accounts away from him. By the way it’s only two guys anyway.
One account guy. How does this guy make a living with one account. Easy. The trader at the account is either his brother or his LAX bro from college. Can you say FOGO? Living is good for this guy. The orders come rolling in because if not he’ll mention it to mom at the next family function and she’ll have a talk with big brother. It’s fun till his guy gets promoted to PM and has no say on where to direct his orders. Enjoy it while you can simple man.
ETF guy. This guy has the easiest job on Wall Street. Doesn’t even have a phone on his desk. Let’s see. An OWIC came in on Market Axess and all he has to do is forward it to the sales force, get a response and add an eighth too it. Then this guy gets to split the revenue from this trade. For what? We tried hiring an actual monkey for this position but the health department put a stop to that.
Wandering guy. Where does this guy go all day? We were actually thinking of hiring a private eye to track him one day. He leaves right after the morning meeting for a good two hours. What Starbucks did you go to? The one in Seattle. Take the early lunch and comes back after one and then time for the 2:30′”coffee” run. When he comes back at 4 he’s good for an hours work but nobody can understand him because he’s slurring his words. If you ever see a washed up Middle Aged man in a fleece and loafers with no socks wandering around midtown please contact us immediately.
Big hitter guy. This is the guy that keeps the doors open. Without him we would be F’d. Had the great relationships at the bulge bracket shops and has miraculously kept the relationship producing. Guys good for 400k gross a month. But unfortunately the guy is the biggest asshole on the desk but knows he can’t get fired because he makes so much jack for the firm. How does he do it? Rumor has it he may have some pictures of some donkey show action. Guy probably shows up at conferences with duffel bags full of cash to kickback some to his accounts. All the other sales guys live off of his scraps.
Young hot girl assistant guy. She works here because she is easy on the eyes. Dumb as dirt though. Makes Forrest Gump look like a genius. Her goal is to find a rich Wall Street guy and get married so she never has to work again. She wants to be out of the workforce before she pays off her student loans from Hofstra University. All the guys stop by her desk to offer help if she wants to “learn the business”. They really want to get her drunk after work and go in for some Uber back seat make out session. If they are lucky she may even join them at flashdancers.
The black guy. Just joking. There are no black guys on Wall Street.